


So Many Almosts

by buzzbuzz34



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Brawl - Freeform, Depression, Isolation, M/M, Nightmares, Prosthesis, Quarantine, Spoilers, air sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23915293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buzzbuzz34/pseuds/buzzbuzz34
Summary: When Cel asks if Zolf is romantically involved with Wilde, his mind flashes back to all of the times it felt like they could have been.
Relationships: Zolf Smith/Oscar Wilde
Comments: 8
Kudos: 54





	So Many Almosts

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Episode 153!!!

_“Have you ever been romantically involved with that really cold guy up there?”_

_“What, Wilde?”_

Zolf couldn’t help but think back to that day, shortly after they’d started working together, when Wilde took Zolf to get fitted for new prosthetics. Wilde had been talking with the shopkeeper, then cast a glance over at Zolf, only for Zolf to smile and wave back at him. He still didn’t entirely understand why he did it. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t shown up together, as if they wouldn’t be leaving together, as if Wilde wasn’t actively talking about Zolf and his legs. Zolf felt like such a fool, cheeks blushing, but Oscar smiled and waved back, and Zolf couldn't help but feel some of the weight in his chest lift away.

And the week they had to take an airship - a proper one this time - but Zolf’s air sickness didn’t cease. Despite Zolf being grouchier than usual, Wilde didn’t leave his side, save to bring him tea and the scarce meal here and there, regardless of whether Zolf would manage to keep it down. Wilde practically carried Zolf above decks so that he could properly see the horizon, hoping it would help keep his tumultuous stomach at bay from another bout of illness, and stood beside him the whole time. And as they watched the sunset, Oscar put a hand atop Zolf’s and held it tight. 

Or the time Wilde had been cornered in an alley by some people he’d previously insulted and wronged – whether or not it was related to the current business with the veins, it didn’t matter. Zolf saw that he was in trouble and immediately stood in front of him, blocking him from their blows. Blood poured from Oscar’s broken nose, and Zolf growled with rage as he took on the attackers with nothing but his fists. In the end, both Oscar and Zolf were bruised and bloody on the floor of the alley, but they laughed anyway, and there was something unspoken in Oscar’s eyes when he thanked Zolf for stepping in. 

How could he forget the days when the pain of his past got too much? When it was all Zolf could do to get out bed, laden down with losses and grief so strong that even hope couldn’t see him through? And how, on those days, Wilde would knock quietly on the door to his room, bring him tea, and sit with him for hours. He let Zolf tell stories of his past or simply sit in silence, and he always held him tightly when Zolf cried. They both had plenty of tears to shed, and it was easier to bear the pain when they embraced each other. 

And that late night when Zolf stepped into Oscar’s office on a whim, just to make sure he’d gone to bed like he swore he would, only to find him sprawled out on his desk, asleep but murmuring. The words got louder until he was yelling and screaming, thrashing against the hard wooden surface as the nightmares manifested. Zolf rushed to his side and tried to wake him, but he was too far gone, so instead he hefted him into his arms and carried him through the halls to his room. Even though he dinged Oscar’s feet into the floor several times along the way, it wasn’t until he hit the mattress that he awoke, eyes wide with terror until he saw Zolf there, promising him that it would be okay, he was safe now. 

When they awoke in the morning, side by side, they both remembered how Oscar begged not to be left alone and pleaded for Zolf to stay with him. As if Zolf needed any persuasion. He crawled in beside Wilde and pulled the covers up around them until they both fell asleep, hand in hand to pull each other out if the nightmares returned. The morning light struggled to break through the shutters and cast dancing colors across Wilde’s expression, a smile, despite his exhaustion, and they found themselves leaning their heads closer together until their lips were mere millimeters apart. They were safe, and they were safe together.

But Zolf could also not forget the anguish he felt when Oscar drew back, fear in his eyes and a quiver in his lip. He rushed from the room and left Zolf alone, wondering what he had done wrong this time, only to be told later that they both knew it was a risk to have attachments and relationships in a time like this, they were things that could be exploited and used against them. Maybe, when the war was over… but not until then. They weren’t safe yet. 

Zolf understood, of course he did. But that didn’t change the force in his heart that tugged toward Oscar, both when they were together and apart, hoping beyond hope that one day the world would be safe enough for them. And when either of them caught the other’s eye and smiled, all of those memories played back in a flash and they wondered if they would ever reach their horizon, the steady point where they could be together. 

So many answers danced on Zolf’s tongue. So many almosts.

Instead, he laughed at Cel’s question. 

_“No,”_ he insisted, still trying to laugh through the deluge of memories. _“I mean, I care about him, but no.”_

Maybe someday. Maybe someday they would reach their horizon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!! 
> 
> (Me, hearing Zolf say no, I have never been involved with Wilde: this won't stop me because I can't read!)
> 
> If you want to find more of my writing or learn about my original characters, head over to kellanswritingblog.tumblr.com, or feel free to check out my personal, celsidebottom.tumblr.com <3


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